when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
