She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
