I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
