you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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