bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
