Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
