i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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