I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
