Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
