what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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