im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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