The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
