Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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