Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
