I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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