I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
