The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize