the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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