Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
