It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Pants are for mortals
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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