I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
