Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
