I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
