You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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