Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Randomize
