if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
