Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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