so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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