I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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