Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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