Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize