Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
