I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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