The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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