How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize
