its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
