Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
