The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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