yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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