Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
