My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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