it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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