his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
