CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
