Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
