I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
