When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
