I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Sext me about skeletons
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