oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
