winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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