it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
