I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
