Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
