I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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