Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize