hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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