the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
