could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
