i came on her dog
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
