i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
